Meeting My XGF After 15 Years

Hi, this is my wife... wife, this is my ex-girlfriend...

Published on May 17, 2006 By singrdave In Marital Issues

It's a small world after all. I'm clear in Maryland, and guess who I find?

A friend of mine that I work with said to me yesterday, "So you're from Arizona, huh? There's a couple in my neighborhood that's from Arizona. Their names are James and Jan _____."

Turns out Jan is my ex-girlfriend from college, the girl I probably would have married had I gone another way. I've never met her husband, but apparently they have been married about as long as my wife and I have, they have multiple children, etc. Happy home, or so I'm told by my buddy at work. Apparently we live about ten miles from each other, here in Maryland of all places.

When I told my friend at work (Matt) the edited version of the backstory, he asked me if I wanted to get in touch with her...

So do I? On one hand, I'd love to reconnect and catch up with her/them. On the other hand, it's my XGF. First thing I did was call my wife, and she was okay with it (but only "okay"). So now what? Any advice?

Comments (Page 1)

Dr Guy

on May 17, 2006

Dont. Having been there and done that, it will not be as you expect, and there is the Wife issue.

Sally jacobs

on May 17, 2006

I think you should. You must of got along at some point, and I'm sure it would be nice to see each other again. Times past, you both have your own lives, so why not?

Zoomba

on May 17, 2006

If you can't come up with a compelling reason, I'd say don't. You've survived just fine all these years not being in touch with her, and if your wife is just "OK" with it, I'd say it'd be a bad idea to reconnect. Your wife probably knows you came close to marrying this other lady, and despite any rational knowledge she has that you're happy in your marraige and life and the XGF is happy in hers, there will be that irrational fear and jealousy beneath the surface... especially if you end up getting along with the ex.

My opinion is it's not worth it. If the XGF for some reason wants to reach out to you, maybe that'll be OK, but don't go out of your way or put forth any effort on your own.

Texas Wahine

on May 17, 2006

If you MUST meet her, introduce her family to your family. Don't exclude your wife.

Then again, is it really necessary? What would you like to come from this? Do you have a hole in your life that only XGF could fill (and if you do, perhaps some couples counseling is in order)?

I just think pursuing it, even with wholesome intentions, is asking for trouble and/or hurt feelings on someone's part.

singrdave

on May 17, 2006

Do you have a hole in your life that only XGF could fill

No, no holes. I'm not looking for closure, if that's what you mean. Or an affair. Just a "wow, nice to see you -- how've you been" kind of meeting.

You've survived just fine all these years not being in touch with her, and if your wife is just "OK" with it, I'd say it'd be a bad idea to reconnect. Your wife probably knows you came close to marrying this other lady, and despite any rational knowledge she has that you're happy in your marraige and life and the XGF is happy in hers, there will be that irrational fear and jealousy beneath the surface... especially if you end up getting along with the ex.

You guys are probably right, it would definitely be awkward. If we did meet up, it would be as families, en masse (she has at least three last time I heard, and I have four myself) and that could defuse any kind of weird vibe that might be going out.

I just think pursuing it, even with wholesome intentions, is asking for trouble and/or hurt feelings on someone's part.

Better safe than sorry. But come the weekend, she'll have my number and I'll just let her make the next move.

Dr Guy

on May 17, 2006

But come the weekend, she'll have my number and I'll just let her make the next move.

Good move! I suspect a phone call to catch up is fine. But in the presence of your wife.

singrdave

on May 18, 2006

UPDATE: My friend from work says that he delivered my contact information to the husband last night. Husband had slight glimmer of recognition with mention of my name. Sure an interesting conversation ensued with his wife, my XGF.

Ball's in their court now.

ShadowWar

on May 19, 2006

From a man with a wife who is"okay" with a lot. STAY AWAY from Ex-girlfriends, no matter what the circumstances.

Your life is complicated enough and you have done fine without her all these years, let a sleeping horse sleep.

ShadowWar

on May 19, 2006

From a man with a wife who is"okay" with a lot. STAY AWAY from Ex-girlfriends, no matter what the circumstances.

Your life is complicated enough and you have done fine without her all these years, let a sleeping horse sleep.

Moderateman

on May 19, 2006

lemmee see wife in one hand, ex ol lady in other. nope no contest, keep wife, let ex go on her way.

stutefish

on May 19, 2006

Get together, the four of you, for dinner some time. If your wife gets along with her husband, encourage the two of them (your wife, her husband), to hang out alone together some time--maybe go shopping together, or take a walk in the park, or catch up over coffee, or...--you get the idea.

If nothing bad comes from two or three such meetings between your wife and her husband, and neither you nor your XGF finds yourself feeling uncomfortable about your spouses' association with each other, then by all means go ahead and catch up with your XGF.

But if anything starts feeling at least a little bit wrong, then you should probably put a stop to the relationship between your two households immediately.

Dynosoar

on May 19, 2006

Don't do it.....

JillUser

on May 19, 2006

Don't do it.....

I agree with Dyno and the others who have basically said "why?". You're more likely to stir up old crap or create new crap with uneasy feelings from your wife even though she is "okay" with it. I have been "okay" with my husband getting emails from an exgirlfriend but I have no intention of ever meeting her. I'm not the jealous type but there are basic instinctive feelings you get. I have no place in my life or need to deal with his past relationships.

Plus, after 15yrs, you're strangers now. Why bother? You have plenty to lose and nothing to gain IMO.

singrdave

on May 19, 2006

Do you have a hole in your life that only XGF could fill (and if you do, perhaps some couples counseling is in order)? I just think pursuing it, even with wholesome intentions, is asking for trouble and/or hurt feelings on someone's part.

STAY AWAY from Ex-girlfriends, no matter what the circumstances. Your life is complicated enough and you have done fine without her all these years, let a sleeping horse sleep.

keep wife, let ex go on her way

You're more likely to stir up old crap or create new crap with uneasy feelings from your wife

Wow, pretty opinionated. Seriously, thank you for the very good, very cautious advice. It is taken to heart, honestly it is.

I am not having them over to dinner, not planning to get together, and have only given them my phone number. If they decide to make the next move, so be it. But we won't get together, period.

Dr Guy

on May 20, 2006

I am not having them over to dinner, not planning to get together, and have only given them my phone number. If they decide to make the next move, so be it. But we won't get together, period.

I broke up with my XGF, yet my XW was always jealous of her. Why I will never know. Let sleeping dogs lie.

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