Brain Cramps

Yeah, people say stupid things.

Published on November 9, 2005 By singrdave In Humor

Thanks go out to my friend Jo who sent me these head-scratchers....

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. (we are????)

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark (Is that like giving 110%?)

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President (and this from the man who invented the Internet...)

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle (does he know where he almost grew up?)

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca (I say all we can get, I'll take all the clean air you're willing to give me...)

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. (It certainly doesn't apply in your case.)

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President (really? Thanks for clearing that up.)

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (still the smart one)

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Comments

UBoB

on Nov 09, 2005

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President (and this from the man who invented the Internet...)

Not sure of your source, but all the sources I've been able to track down online credit President Bush or Dan Quale or Al Gore with this one. My guess is nobody actually said it, people just like attributing it to their most hated politician.

singrdave

on Nov 09, 2005

I did not do my due diligence, thank you.

This is a humor piece, and forwarded to me, not written by me. Thought it would be taken for its face value.

UBoB

on Nov 09, 2005

This is a humor piece, and forwarded to me, not written by me. Thought it would be taken for its face value.

My fault. Of course you're right. Doesn't really matter who said it, it is still funny.

P.S.

I even found a place online that attributed it to Kerry. Maybe Dan Quale said it originally and all the other were just quoting him......if that's true, it's even funnier.

Dynosoar

on Nov 10, 2005

Leauki

on Nov 11, 2005

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President (and this from the man who invented the Internet...)

I believe this was MAD magazine in 1991, attributing it to Dan Quale?

I am wondering though. Al Gore said he "created" the Internet rather than "invented" it. Why is this always misquoted? For me this creates an interesting quasi-paradox. Either the words mean the same, in which case one wonders why anybody would replace it, and why the replacement rate is not 50% but closer to 100%, or the words do not mean the same in which case one also wonders why anybody would replace it.

singrdave

on Nov 11, 2005

Al Gore said he "created" the Internet rather than "invented" it.

Apparently he had a vote in the Senate where they approved funding for the military ARPANet. This evolved into the universities, commerce, and now it's the internet. The quote in question came from a campaign interview with Wolf Blitzer.
From Snopes.com:

When asked to describe what distinguished him from his challenger for the Democratic presidential nomination, Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey, Gore replied (in part):

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. I took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection, improvements in our educational system."

Clearly, although Gore's phrasing was clumsy (and perhaps self-serving), he was not claiming that he "invented" the Internet (in the sense of having designed or implemented it), but that he was responsible, in an economic and legislative sense, for fostering the development the I also invented the microphone technology that we now know as the Internet.

Leauki

on Nov 11, 2005

Yes, that's more or less how I understood it.

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