These are my random musings. Hopefully they will be witty, insightful, and frequently updated.
When we marry I'd like five last names, if you please.
Published on December 11, 2005 By singrdave In Marriage
I have a rant, and I think you'll either agree with me wholeheartedly or completely flame me over this.

I cannot stand it when a woman insists on hyphenating her married name with her maiden name. To see people saddled with two or three surnames is just mean-spirited. I understand that women want to express their independence and their non-subjugation to their husband, but stop thinking about yourself for a moment...

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

I know several children who have their parents' names, both with a big ol' hyphen in the middle. One in particular, he was one of my Cub Scouts last year. His name is Xavier C-W (not gonna put his whole name out on the web, especially since he is a minor...) and this poor little boy has two names. But, when I met his dad, he had the same name! Hugh C-W! Turns out HIS mother had insisted on keeping her surname. And their child, the dad of my Cub Scout, was saddled with the C-W surname. And his wife, when they married, had to take on the C-W surname. (Or, even more laughably, her own surname hyphenated along with her husband's already hyphenated surname!) And the grandson suffers, as will the grandson (my Scout) when he gets married and has children of his own. Turns out Mrs. C, generations back, will burden her progeny for generations to come.

I have another friend, this time a grown one, who recently got married. His name was Christopher G-M. Three long names in their own right, surnames dumped upon him at birth. His new wife had to take them, as well. As will their children.

I have it on good authority that until recently, in Quebec, the children had been forced to mandatorily take on both parents' surnames at birth. So as not to cause consternation, I guess. But then, a couple generations later, the problem was that people who already had two last names were marrying people who already had two last names... as you can see, this was getting out of hand. Four surnames, then eight, then sixteen. Reminds me of a bacterial infection or a mathematics problem.

MANDATORY DISCLAIMER:
I realize that I am a man. And my wife took my last name.

But she did so creatively! Her maiden name was C. Her middle name is now C, and her last name (like mine) is R. She is Bonnie C. R.... And when she got her college diploma, though she had earned it before she got married, she had it typed up with her married name.

All I ask is that when you're about to get married, please consider the long-term consequences of your actions. You may want your identity now, but will your great-grandchildren want it, too?

Comments (Page 2)
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on Dec 13, 2005
I'm proud to carry my husband's last name. And we have two strapping boys to carry it on as well.
on Dec 14, 2005
I don't think that would have fit very well on my Army uniform name tapes.


Actually, the Christopher G-M that singr mentioned just uses the G-name on his name tapes (although his class A/B name plates have the G-M). He's constantly having to explain it when they see him in his greens...

And then there were the jokes that he'd have to hyphenate his name with hers (since she outranked him) to Chris R(not -G-M.
on Dec 18, 2005
Yes, Mrs. G-M has gone through a number of identity changes in her Army time...

Came to us as Brandy R.
Got married and became Brandy B.
Divorced him and retook Brandy R.
Married Christopher and became Brandy G-M.
Although, in true Army fashion, they screwed up her paperwork and for a while there, she was actually M Brandy G. I started calling her by her M surname because as far as the Army was concerned, her name was M...

Enough to put someone in a strait jacket!
on Dec 19, 2005
But if a woman is adamant about keeping her last name what then? Is it important enough to you and are you open minded enough that you would then be willing to take your wife's last name? For the good of the children, that is


I thought long and hard about the value of being open minded and role flexibility during my 48 years of bachelor life. For that reason and the telling value this very topic was a question early on in my dating ritual.

If a woman put stated value in carrying her name and used the word "individuality" while trying to express herself, she was cause for pause. She was separating herself from the boundaries traditionally associated with relationships and marriage. Which likely meant there would be more conflicting issues surfacing later on putting unneeded strain on the family increasing the probabilities of failure at some point down the road. Her self-image, resiliency and conflict resolution skills along with relationship awareness hadn't matured to my liking. Not changing names is an iceberg, ninety percent of the problem is hidden.
on Dec 20, 2005
Not changing names is an iceberg, ninety percent of the problem is hidden


I disagree with that, at least in my case. I can't really speak for everyone else, I suppose.

When I married I chose to keep my maiden name. I talked to my husband about it and he said he was ok with it. The children, should we ever have any, will have his name. It does not bother me if people want to refer to us as "The B's", but legally my name is different.

And my problems are not hidden. He knows and accepts every single last one of them. As I do his.

She was separating herself from the boundaries traditionally associated with relationships and marriage.


Yes. Is that wrong? And if so, why do you feel that way? I don't necessarily agree that "there would be more conflicting issues surfacing later on". However, this is my exeperience only and I'm curious to hear yours.
on Dec 21, 2005
When I married I chose to keep my maiden name. I talked to my husband about it and he said he was ok with it. The children, should we ever have any, will have his name. It does not bother me if people want to refer to us as "The B's", but legally my name is different.

But don't you find it awkward? Don't you find it difficult to explain away why your kids' surnames are different than yours, like when filling out forms or at parent-teacher conferences and such?
IMHO it would cause more problems than it solves.
on Dec 21, 2005
But don't you find it awkward? Don't you find it difficult to explain away why your kids' surnames are different than yours, like when filling out forms or at parent-teacher conferences and such?


No, I don't find it awkward. It's become a much more common thing now than it was in the past. I don't have children, but I don't feel compelled to explain to anyone why I made the decisions I've made (except here, because I think it is an honest question and deserved discussion). For example, when we bought our house they did have to ask if we were married because we have different last names. I merely answered "yes". No explanation needed.

Not to mention the fact that so many children have step parents these days that I assume children that have a parent with one different last name is not so uncommon.

To be honest, I was much younger when I married and keeping my name meant more. As I have gotten older I see that the name means less than the person I am (or would like to be). What is in a name, after all? Were I to get married now I would probably change my name, and perhaps I will still change it someday. But then again, as I just said, the name means less than what I try to bring to the relationship. And he seems happy. The name has nothing to do with that.

I am who I am. If one or the other partner in the relationship cannot accept that, then no amount of name changing will save the relationship.
on Dec 21, 2005

Don't you find it difficult to explain away why your kids' surnames are different than yours, like when filling out forms or at parent-teacher conferences and such?

Uh....they almost *assume* that kids and parents don't all have the same last names.  There are so many single parents, divorced parents, divorced and remarried parents, families that have "yours, mine, and our" kids, etc. 

I was going to hyphenate my name, but I ended up not doing it because it sounded silly- it would have been: Towne-Marshall.  I would have been A. Towne-Marshall.  Just didn't work for me....

on Dec 22, 2005
That and you'd get mistaken for a local police authority... perhaps a town marshal?
on Dec 22, 2005
it would have been: Towne-Marshall.


That is HILARIOUS! Howdy Marshall! How's the town? Oh my goodness....when introduced to people it'd take fifteen minutes to move past that last name with all the one liners!

I kept my maiden name for my professional work but legally took my husband's name. I couldn't very well use my real name on the air so why not use my maiden one? Not likely I'd forget it!

My oldest son has my maiden name for his MIDDLE name.

I don't care if women want to hyphen it EXCEPT when I am forced to cater to it and it causes me more work, like at Christmas time....I always address card to the BLANK family. Well one of my old friends got all pissed when people didn't put her hyphenated name on stuff....so what to do? It's not the maiden-blank family..its the blank family.

Shesh.
on Dec 22, 2005
A couple of successive generations of people with hyphenated-last names marrying each other could eventually lead to some really long last names. That will be fun. Kind of like the Monty Python where there was a guy being announced in court with an extremely long last name. (Actually they used variants of that joke a few times.)


Hmong people are forbidden from having two people with the same last name marry each other. (There aren't many last names to choose from) After marriage, moms and dads still have different last names. (I think that kids get dad's name.
on Dec 22, 2005
I have several friends of my own generation, (20s-30s) who have all kept their original last names when they've gotten married. They also intend to have two children, per couple...so that each kid can have one of the names.

Isn't it about time we stop focusing so much on "tradition" and "expected roles" and just be accepting of whatever works for individual people, couples and families?
on Dec 22, 2005
They also intend to have two children, per couple...so that each kid can have one of the names.

I can see the introductions now... "Hi, my name is Anne Smith and here's my brother, John Douglas..."?
That's just adding more confusion to an already chaotic situation. Are we to assume that Anne and John are half-siblings? No, they are fully sibs, with different last names.
That is just short-sighted and ridiculous.
on Dec 22, 2005
That is just short-sighted and ridiculous.


I guess I just don't see how other people choose to name their kids effects anyone else...I mean, quite frankly, there are loads of names out there that parents give that I think are silly and stupid, but they are entitled to name their kid "Peanutbutter Jelly Sandwich" if that's what their heart desires.

If I ever get married, and I choose to keep my name, its a personal decision. It's about what I am comfortable with--not whether or not someone down the street gets bent out of shape by having to remember my name. And quiet frankly, it's incredibly rude to not recognize someone's name choice and insist on calling them something else. If your name is Bob and I call you Mike every day, chances are you are going to get a bit annoyed--I'm sure the same happens for people who get called the last name repeatedly. It's all about having manners.
on Dec 22, 2005
Are we to assume


I think the point here is that you shouldn't make assumptions. People choose to do what they do and they have their own reasons for it. You find it troubling because it's outside of what you consider to be the "norm", but others see the world differently.

I had a former boss who drilled the following concept into my head: Just because something has always been done a certain way does not mean that we should keep on doing it that way. To assume so would be poor logic.
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